Letter of complaint about marriage

Dearest beloved,

I am your husband and I am very upset because your face is not up to snuff. Last year I thought, 'Fuck me, what a pile of shit.' This is not right. I need you to become a smoking hot bitch. I am a terrible husband; therapy has not been effective. In fact, I have gotten worse. Still, I want you to change.

First, take your hat off.
Second, remove your nose.
Third, replace your nose with a hat.
That's what I'm looking for in a woman.

Perhaps I've gone too far. Perhaps we have been over for many years. So, I'm going now. I've already booked an airplane to Bermuda.

I'm sorry.
If you need me, I'll be in Bermuda.

Yours sincerely, your ex-husband.