Quotes!
- Sally, you're always so optimistic but- you don't have a husband.
- I'm only 17! That's okay! What?
- Sure.
- What?!
- It's okay, you'll develop.
- Oh fuck you!
- Sam and Luke in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
- I don't like boats Steven.
- You don't like boats at all?
- I don't like boats at all. They've been ruined for me since my childhood.
- Ships?
- Yes, all flotation vehicles.
- Sam and Tom in Shut up Steven
And I will train him as a jockey!
A jockey, sir?! Ehm, good idea! Let's move this plot along!
I think it's high time we did that. Pour me another scotch
- Luke and Sam in Too Big To Be A Jockey | Watch now
- Of course, you all know why we’ve come to this planet.
- Cube.
- Cube.
- Cube. The Nintendo GameCube from 2001. The most powerful cube-based technology in human history.
- Sam and Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
When he was younger he wrote a sign.
What, what did the sign say?
It said, said "I'm a psychopath"!
- Tom and AJ in I Killed the Mockingbird
But I promise you, down there, under the sea, we're- we- we fucked shit up. I once jumped out of that submarine, took a torpedo, swam all the way to the other submarine and shoved it in the back. Pressed the On button and swam back.
You said that if I stuck with you everything would be okay. That you wouldn't eat any more people!
Well, I will.
Oh, no! He's using his eagle powers!
- Tom and AJ in President and vice president
[AJ] Can I take this?
[Sam] My pen?
[AJ] No, she put the petal in here.
[Sam] I thought you had in your hand.
[AJ] No, she put it here.
[Sam] Oh, did- I'm sorry, I didn't see that, her stage craft is remarkably weak.
- AJ and Sam in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
- Freeze! We had it earlier: Harold Pinter.
- I don't have a drama degree. You've got the drama degree.
- I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, uh... touch you like this.
[pause]
- I, uh.. I'm sorry.
[pause]
- I...
- There's pauses in Pinter.
- Oh.
[pause]
- How long are the pauses?
- Sam, Tom and AJ in Step siblings | Watch now
I've never killed before. But I see you, a child, and now I'm ready to begin.
This is my kinda justice!
- Tom and Luke in The court
Hey, I'm not done! Can't you see I'm in the astral plane right now!
- Tom in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
[Sam] Stay with me. Don’t go where I can’t follow.
[Luke] I made a vow to my country.
[Sam] You made a vow to me. When you stepped down on that knee in that cornfield and you said, “Bubba” You s- You said, “Bubba, I’m never gonna leave your side every day of my life.”
- Sam and Luke in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
- Okay. So, this is what I'm going to suggest.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, as a treatment plan going forward, Yeah. you stay inside, and someone else locks the door. And we call that...? Prison.
- Prison.
- Yeah. There we go. I think that might be for the best.
- Tom and Sam in Therapist and patient
[Luke] I left my wife and kids for you, Alfred. I'M VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW! If that's not clear.
[AJ] I'm sorry, Janice.
- Luke and AJ in Why did you eat that? | Watch now
Do I look mad to you? I'm clearly perfectly sane.
- AJ in The hungry, hungry caterpillar is a masterpiece
Oh, sorry, I can't see! I don't have my buttercup with me.
- Luke in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Franklin.
What?
You don’t deserve me.
Okay.
I’ve- What? You’re just gonna give up like that, Franklin?, Franklin, I want you to fucking fight for me, ok?
- No, I-I-I’m- I'm gonna fight for you.
- Are you gonna fight for me? Okay? Franklin, you don’t deserve me.
- Alright.
- No! FRANKLIN!!!
- Luke and AJ in The casino | Watch now
[AJ] I know that if you - had a son - just like me...
[Sam] Just like you?
[AJ] I have a son.
[Sam] Oh, right. Sorry. If I had a son who was just like you, I'd be deeply concerned.
- AJ and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
Stop touching your daughters tits
- Sam in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
[AJ] Alright, so... Is it- do you do it the same in France?
[Tom] What do you mean?
[AJ] Oh- Ow. That's my- that's my- That's my ear.
[Tom] I'm sor- You do not kiss through the ear?
[AJ] We don't know- we don't actually- Oh! Oh, no actually- No, keep that going.
- AJ and Tom in Garden | Watch now
[Tom] Then, how about a dodecahedron world? A perfect combination of sphere and cube. Mathematically perfect.
[Sam] You’re talkin’ about…peace?
- Tom and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
Quick! Open the time hatch!
- AJ in Murders in Space | Watch now
Take me to your liberry.
My liberry?
You have a liberry?
Do you mean lychee berries?
No.
It’s pronounced library, Jack. Do you want to see the library?
- AJ and Tom in The Windowcleaner's Revenge
If someone was, sort of, trying to sail to France and then... didn't return on time what do you think would have h- happened to them? (quietly sobbing)
- Sam in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
I left the key up here. I put it in the ignition.
[wrum wrum wrum wrum]
Now I’m gonna leave it ignished. There we go.
- Tom in Building sandcastles
Where better to escape trouble than a theatre?
- Luke in Poker game | Watch now
Who are you anyway?
Watch out for the dog shit! (AJ runs away)
Hey, come back! Come back!! Oh, I wasn't ready for him to lightly jog away!
- Tom and AJ in The pilot's final flight
[AJ] Oh my gosh, it's the skinniest, pathetic bear I've ever seen. It's practically dead, look at it, it's just skin and bones.
[Luke] It IS dead.
[AJ] Oh, right, sorry.
[Luke] I don't have a live bear in my cupboard.
[Sam] CHANGE!
[Luke] I HAVE A LIVE BEAR, JESUS!!
- AJ, Luke and Sam in Gravedigger | Watch now
Now, I’ve understandably met with resistance. Therefore, I have a tiger. If you don’t agree to my inflating demands, I will send the tiger into your homes and detonate them.
- Sam and Tom in Letter of complaint about giraffes being too short
- She always wanted to understand the boundary between life and death. And now she has crossed that boundary herself!
- So maybe her work continues?
- What do you mean, father?
- Well, now she has crossed the boundary, maybe she is still doing science between the boundary of life and death? You know, maybe she's out there in death, going "Oh, interesting!"
- Tom and Sam in The haunting of my heart
- Give him a slap! (Luke)
- Look, darling, I can call- Aah! (AJ slapping Sam for real)
- That was real. (AJ)
- That was kinda hot. (Sam)
- Luke, Sam and AJ in The hungry, hungry caterpillar is a masterpiece
Master has given me a sock! Time for a wank.
- Sam in Master has given me a sock | Watch now
My legs may be strong now, but my heart is breakin’.
- Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
What we have here is a balanced fraction. One half of my friendship group and the other half of my friendship group. Add that with me we have three thirds which is weird.
- Sam in The haunting of my heart
Daddy, why do you hate me?
And they came at me with books and hit me repeatedly with a hard back.
- Sam and AJ in A letter of complaint about books
[Luke] Grandad, make up with Grandma.
[AJ] I will. I will.
[Grandmother] No. Fuck you!
[AJ] Woah! Hold on. Give me that sword.
- Luke and AJ in You can't do this to me | Watch now
That doesn't sound like Dad! That sounds like a milkman in a cupboard.
- Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
[AJ] Sometimes when you defeat an enemy, they come back stronger. Like when you cut off the head of a snake, but in this case a cube. If you cut off the head of a cube then you have more surfaces of which you have to deal with later. A cube... could become an octagon.
[Sam] I wish he would get to the fuckin’ point.
[AJ] An octagon could become a quadragon. But it matters not. What I just said didn’t matter.
- AJ and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
He's going to drive all of our sheep MAD
- Tom in The Lighthouse | Watch now
[AJ] You're a terrible detective! Fuck off! Alright? You’re fired!
[Sam] I found your mum.
- AJ and Sam in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
[Tom] So how long's the movie? Is it long?
[Sam] Oh! This is the director's extended edition of The Exorcist. It's three and a half hours.
[Tom] Oh! Three and a half hour- Wow!
- Tom and Sam in Popcorn | Watch now
Hola, bienvenido a las islas Canarias.
Stay calm. If necessary I have my gun and I can stab him with it.
- Luke and Tom in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
That's a goal!
- Sam in The Neighbour Under The Bed | Watch now
I’m fucking Batman!
- Sam in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
I'm not that old, you cheeky little shit.
- Sam in The Unrelenting Aubergine | Watch now
Well, we went through the black hole which means that time gets diluted.
- AJ in Murders in Space | Watch now
- The women in our family have always had a gift.
- Oh...kay?
- A gift... We can hear things we should not be able to hear. Voices come from afar, and they come to us.
- But Mother...
- They reach us- Get out of the seat! They come so far... across sea, across land... We live... we breathe ... we die again...
- Mother, I don't think we're insured for this! Mother, where are we going? I feel like we're leaving the material plane!
- Oh so we are. Back that way!
- Okay! Oh, so sorry! Oh, sorry spirits, I'm sorry. Oh god.
- Tom and Sam in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
- I've been pushing this giant stone around for seven hours! No one's come to give me any water, any lemonade or anything. Just old Larry, pushing the stone around. I feel like Sisyphus. That's a very smart reference.
- I've got to be honest, Papa, I don't really know who Sisyphus is. Is that what Mummy said the milkman gave her?
- Sam and Luke in Grain mill
What is that? The sound of no money?!
- AJ and Tom in Letter of complaint about the economy
Oh, I stabbed you with my gun
- AJ in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
I lit this cigarette on a candle. What wonderful stagecraft.
- Tom in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Bruce Lee's mortal enemy was Breece Lee. He was born of the mirror dimension. Of equal height, equal stature, but instead of chocolate milk, he drank oat milk.
- Luke in Bruce Lee And The Chocolate Milk
I'm going out dancing.
Are you allowed to do that?
The swinging 60s?! I'm allowed to do all sorts of things I couldn't do before. I'm going to. Because I'm a woman with autonomy and freedom. I'm even allowed inside buildings now!
- Tom and AJ in The pilot's final flight
So you're not a- okay, we established that you're not actually blind, let's just move on.
Oh right, that's what you- okay. Yeah. I used to be blind at the beginning of the scene...
- AJ and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
It reminds me because we buried your first wife under the flower beds. And that's why I don't like being out near the flowers, okay? That should be quite obvious. The fact we're having to discuss it at all is inane and foolish.
- Tom in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
There was a second door?!
- Tom in Toby's Secret Pocket | Watch now
(Sam with super squeaky helium voice) -Oh my god, what have you done to me? I am vengeance, I am the night! Ahahahaha!
(Tom) -About your voice...
(Sam) -I'm not intimidating at all!
- Sam and Tom in The Brooklyn bloodbath
I’m going to cut you from Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
- Sam in The nun has escaped again | Watch now
You seem awful confident.
Me? Oh uh well yeah you know I- I'm just- I'm just a badass. I'm a badass.
What's a bad ass? Is it a problematic donkey?
No!
You got IBS?
No it's just
an expression I picked up from some of the Americans on the way to the front line. Badass it means like you're a you know you're a motherfucker.
Stop the jeep, we got a pervert onboard!
No no no this is another expression the Americans use.
Start the jeep again.
It means you're bad.
Oh well, that's not good? We are the good guys?
What no, we are the good guys! But we're bad.
Why are we bad?
It's an expression. *sigh*
- Sam, AJ and Tom in Keith the delivery guy
I’ve got myself a sword, and a burning desire to dice some cubes.
- Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
- I don't think I've ever said that on stage.
See what happens if I throw it off the border of England and into the sea. Off you go Bobo! You see that?
He's running over the water!
But he'll almost immediatly die from drowning
*Bobo dies tragically*
There it is!
OUCH!
- Tom, Sam and AJ in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
My dad is an unspecified businessman. That's what I'll do when I grow up. I'll have a briefcase and a car, and a series of conferences in various cities.
- Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
Sam - Do you know how fast sound goes?
AJ - 300 miles per hour?
Sam - Correct.
(not correct!)
- Sam and AJ in The pilot's final flight
I mean, I got a semi just thinkin’ about it.
- Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[AJ] You enjoying it out here on the front? Defence, DEFENCE!
[Guest] It’s a bit round.
[AJ] Well, it’s gotta be a round front ‘cause we are facing the cubes. So- so the boss said that if we have it all round, it’ll confuse them. It’s like a defense tech- techidy- tech uhh-
- AJ in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
- Well, tell you what. I'll go down to the basement, and see if it's there.
- What could go wrong?
- AJ and Sam in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
I’ll leave you with a poem. Rudyard Kipling.
When the wind does blow
To and fro
You must get your shit together
And fuck up them hoes
- AJ in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
(opera singing)
We left each other
For good reason
I thought I loved you
Then you fucked my mom
- Sam and AJ in Exes who just met on Bumble
-You twoo are going to lead the gangs of this city and cause chaos on these streets. Chaos, beautiful chaos! You'll be like me, just like me!
-Don't let him get into your head boys!
-He's really far in there!
- Tom, AJ and Sam in The Brooklyn bloodbath
[Luke] Bubba!
[Sam] That’s right.
[Luke] You done got them robot legs.
[Sam] That’s right! I got- I got that stealth cube body. I put the cubes together. Now I’ve got cube legs. Woo!!
- Luke and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[AJ] You said passAgeway.
[Tom] I did, yes. For you.
[AJ] You did for me, because you wanted to spice things up.
[Luke] I've been- I've been luring the ships onto the rocks.
[Tom] Yes, no, we, we know. That's good.
[AJ] Yes, great. Very impressive.
[Tom] Really good.
[AJ] Very scary.
[Tom] Because I wanted to spice things up.
[Luke] It is a big crime, and I've worked a lot of years on it!
[Tom] I'm sure you did, but we've really got a- There's a thing going on here.
- AJ, Tom and Luke in Oh dear, this might be a problem | Watch now
Welcome to my candy store!
- Luke in Poker game | Watch now
These hundred… bungee jumps, they- really brought us together. But, you know, a bet’s a bet. We made it when we were twelve, and… you can’t count.
- Sam in This is the last time I’m doing this | Watch now
[AJ] Tough lady, different generation.
[Sam] That's how mothers work!
- AJ and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
- How many times the razor slashed or the axe came down, especially on how much blood was spilled and where it was splashed.
- Here we just say, uh- you know, “fold” or “check”.
- AJ and Sam in Poker game | Watch now
Could I bubble?
- AJ in King and servant
I don’t know if our world can take another cubing.
- Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
I've got videos of you walking 'round in a kangaroo costume and then getting bananas and putting bananas in every room of the house and going "WHERE AM I GETTING MY POTASSIUM FROM? WHEREVER I LIKE!"
- Tom in The basement | Watch now
WHERE HAS MY CHAIR GONE? If you can answer that, you get 50 points! Where the FUCK has my chair gone?
- Tom in Two therapists | Watch now
Sorry, sir. Could you not be really weird on this plane before we take off. Okay? Thank you.
- AJ in Get off the plane | Watch now
- Who are you calling old man?
- You! You bend over like a lowercase "r".
- Tom and Sam in Enemies | Watch now
I swear, it was there this morning and then - poof!
- AJ in FREEZE TAG
I disembarked from a very successful lesbian relationship
- Luke in Why did you eat that? | Watch now
[Sam] Alexa! Play message from the President.
[AJ] What would you like me to do?
[Sam] Play - message - from - the President.
[AJ] Playing... “Baby Back” by Future.
- Sam and AJ in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[Sam] Priscilla! You've lost another petal from your buttercup. You've only got three left.
[AJ] No, I've got one left. There was four and I've- t- that's- so-
[Sam] You've- you've only taken two off.
[Sam obsessing over timeline consistency]
- Sam and AJ in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Just don’t take a sword. Just any better weapon than a sword, sir.
- Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[AJ] I was, I was thinking of uh... ge- genetically, genetically altering one of them. And turning it... Yeah.
[Sam] Into what?!
[AJ] Just another tiny giraffe.
- Luke and Sam in Haven't seen giraffes that small | Watch now
I just popped outside to see if things had improved
Yeah?
They have not!
- Tom and Sam in Keith the delivery guy
[AJ] I… love you… and I wish you good health in the future.
[Sam] I wish I could say the same.
- AJ and Sam in This is the last time I’m doing this | Watch now
[AJ] Yeah, yeah, just doing some business uh... And then I'll be going back actually tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
[Sam] Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow? So uh... Monday?
[AJ] Monday. In three days time.
- AJ and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
The man who took every single primate from London Zoo and brought them all the way to Addis Ababa.
I didn't know he did that! That's why I can't see the monkeys anymore, they're in Adida- Ababababa.
- Sam and Luke in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
I did all my washing earlier and the washing machine was fine. I didn't get stuck in it AT ALL.
- Tom in Step siblings | Watch now
[Luke] Let him go. Or I’ll calculate your real tax return and send it to the government.
[Tom] That’s a terrible threat!
[Luke] Is it, Lord Lafayette? ‘Cause it says here that you’ve been doing tax- ev-, avoidance? Which is the bad one?
[audience] Evasion!
[Luke] Thank you!
[Tom] Shut up, henchmen!
- Luke and Tom in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
[Sam] Lilandra, I'm here to take you to hell. You're gonna meet your Da'. You excited?
[AJ baahs]
- Sam and AJ in Did you just crawl out of that well? | Watch now
Legs like giraffes. Arms like a giraffe. Neck like a giraffe. She was a giraffe from Africa.
- AJ and Sam in Letter of complaint about my DofE walk
You never told me you didn't know how to count.
- Tom in Beach
Hi everyone, You may know the tooth fairy, but I'm new. I'm here to make sure every child is moist.
- Tom in FREEZE TAG
Can cousins get married? The answer is yes legally but it's pretty fucking weird.
[AJ] Priscilla only has one-
[Sam] Why are you speaking in third person?
- AJ and Sam in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Buttercup, I'm a little bit scared. But I'll use you to shine a light so I can see.
- AJ in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
[Luke] Guys, I can’t let you bungee without the bungee rope! That goes against the bungee keepers’ oath!
[Sam] Wh- can we just do the jump?
[Luke] Now, don’t get around me with wordplay.
[Sam] Sorry, I’m quite a powerful lawyer back in London. Wordplay is my forte, and forte… is my only way.
- Luke and Sam in This is the last time I’m doing this | Watch now
I just lie underneath your bed and monitor the situation.
Yeahhhhh.
Oh, yes.
Ohhh. I chose this. Ahhh.
Oww. Oh, that’s a view.
- Tom in I Killed the Mockingbird
[Tom] WE GOT ANY ANTICHRIST?
[Audience] Yeah.
[Tom] Well, the sheep said yes, but they are sheep.
- Tom in Did you just crawl out of that well? | Watch now
If I wrote my name, Janice, on a sandwich, Lucinda wouldn't have fucking stolen it. But "Oh, I'm a man! What's yours is mine!" is it?
- Luke in Why did you eat that? | Watch now
[Sam] She was cruel, she was cold, and her stage craft was terrible.
[Tom] I will accept two of those three criticisms...
[Sam] She once tried to come in through a door and she opened it like this and then she went out the door and opened it from completely the other side.
- Sam and Tom in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
[Tom] You’ve entered the cube-within-cubes.
[Sam] And you’ve entered the orbit of Earth, motherfucker.
- Tom and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
I think as a father-son bonding activity, this ain't it.
- Sam in Don't Leave the Gremlins Alone! | Watch now
Yes, I remember it, like it was yesterday.
CHANGE!
It was yesterday.
- Luke and Sam in The Duck Pond
Freeze!! What am I meant to do with that!?!?
- Tom in Exes who just met on Bumble
- Do you think Sally's prettier than me?
- What?
- I know she's younger but she's, you know, she's not yet a full woman grown. But do you think she is- will become prettier than me?
- I mean, she's got good cheekbones.
- Wha- Okay great, no - you could have just said no!
- No, no, no, whoa, nononono whoa no, wha-? no! I'm not all about cheekbones!!
- Sam and Luke in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
[Sam] What’s your name?
[Luke] Esmeralda.
[Sam] Is that an anagram? To your real name?
[Luke] Yes… but you’ll have to try very hard to guess what it is.
[Sam] I’m afraid I was educated in America, so I will not be able to do that.
- Sam and Luke in Ohhhhh | Watch now
I was there at the end of the Obama-time. He came rushing towards the cubes. So fast, so strong. The cubes faltered for a moment and he broke through the front lines. His sword pierced the greatest cube, and it spilled forth its cube jelly. All was jelly. All was jelly and soft, and we did not like it. The cubes did not like it, I mean. Ha ha. And Obama disappeared into the cube jelly. One man dying for many. Into the jelly. It must be jelly because jam don’t shake.
- Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
So open wide and give me your best cream
- Tom in Dentist and patient | Watch now
- Darling, I love you.
- Fuck you!
- You're the only woman for me.
- You fucked my sister.
- Or did he?
- What? Another twist?
- AJ, Sam and Tom in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
- Oh, God! I have Ebola. I'm going to die.
- Australopithecus?
- Tom and Sam in Hopscotch
(with italian accent) Hoho, look at Judas, he's got a biga bearda.
You know the big beard to stroka when he's thinking about his evil schemes, like Oh! I'm going to betray Jesus!
I don't remember a beard in the Bible fora Judas.
Well, don't go into great like graphic detail about what all the disciples look like. A lot of people think Jesus was white!
- Luke and Sam in Finally, I have finished
[Luke] I have gathered you here in the drawing room because something very, very disturbing has happened.
[Sam] What are you talking about?
[Tom] I think the most disturbing thing happening here is that shirt, Detective.
- Luke, Sam and Tom in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
- Okay, so you've got your team of beavers here. Now I hear you've actually had an exciting-
(Sam corpsing)
- Why are you laughing? What's wrong with a team of beavers? Splashing about, getting wet...
(Sam corpsing more, triggering Luke)
No? Okay, great. So, the team of beavers had some amazing progress last night actually.
(Sam is bright red by now)
They- they actually took on the uh- actually took on the men- the men's volleyball team. And they- And the beavers absolutely crushed the men.
(Sam manages to catch a breath)
- Ja. Ja. They were fantastic. Yeah. So fantastic
- Sam, Tom, Luke and AJ in Beaver volleyball
Oh, shit! She's singing. This is bad.
- AJ in The Milkman | Watch now
You seem cross
- Sam in Piano Teacher and Piano Student | Watch now
Roses are red Violets are blue
You are educated And so are you
Signed, The Most Handsome Window Cleaner
- AJ in The Windowcleaner's Revenge
I've got a hold of the alligator. You tickle his balls.
- Luke in FREEZE TAG | Watch now
As the sexual tension mounts between this young paint stripper and this 45 year old accountant, you can see the bottom lip of the older gentleman trembling.
- Sam in Moving out from his ex | Watch now
I took the letter and threw it like a boomerang
- AJ in Badger hockey | Watch now
[Sam and AJ singing opera, quite nicely]
- My dear Mary Sue, come dance with me true
- My dear Molly Bill, won't you stay with me still
- While the man shouts commands, of what to do in the dance
- Sam and AJ in Operatic barn dance | Watch now
[AJ] Playing message from the President.
[AJ] Friends… Americans… Romans… Americans… and people.
[Sam] Not a great public speaker, is he?
- AJ and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[Sam] Do you remember when I tried to cure that paraplegic?
[AJ] I know.
[Sam] They're dead.
[AJ] Yes. BUT! From that, you discovered.. Greater things. The atom bomb.
[Sam] Ah, yes. But is that a good thing though? I feel like that really caused a lot more issues than it solved.
- Sam and AJ in The gerbil came back | Watch now
[AJ] Did you just do the Toosie Slide?
[Luke] Aye, on the hood of the car, yeah.
[AJ] Alright.
- AJ and Luke in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
That’s what it is to be human. Love. Love doesn’t have a shape. Love doesn’t have dimension. Love doesn’t have limits and if you can… reach for it, you grab hold with two hands and you never let go.
- Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
I thought my gosh, this is vulgar. I spat all in his face. And that was how we slept together.
- Sam in Badger hockey | Watch now
That sounded an awful lot like a rhyme, Peter. And you know what rhymes bring?
Crime?
- Sam and Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
Yeah, big dick- that's not an insult. Little dick!
Big dick!
Don't call him big dick.
You've got a big dick.
No! Stop it!
- Tom and AJ in Beetroots & Murder | Watch now
Darling.
What?
You’re not crazy.
No I know. I’m not crazy. I’m gonna kill them all Mum.
Okay, maybe you are crazy.
- AJ and Luke in I Killed the Mockingbird
Oh no! This is "The ex-triple x-cist"! Ah, fuck!
Something's gone wrong. The time has diluted too much. I thought it just dilated.
- Tom in Murders in Space | Watch now
- What are they saying?
- I don't hear anything.
- Come on now.
[...]
- You're calling me fat.
- No, I'm not!
- That's what you're saying, darling.
- No! No, no, no, no! What are they doing, darling? What are they doing?
- Haven't the foggiest.
- Darling, please, this is serious. Men's lives are at stake here, and I love you, I love everything about you. I love your body, I love your eyes, I love your soul, I love your mind. Now please tell me, what the fuck are the Germans doing?
- Luke and Sam in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
I cube for president! Where is the President? I have message! Not about cubes. Just about presidents. Ah! Hello! I am pointy! I don’t have four sides. I have one!
- Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
We're finishing this unless you take it back that salt and pepper don't mix 'cause I know goddamn well they mix!
They mix like strawberries and cream!
And salt and vinegar!
And salt and... pepper?
- Sam in Salt and pepper don't mix
Alright, alright, we’ve all found each other’s mums!
- Luke in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
You're alright mate, you're alright! You're a bad ass fucker!
Yeah, your mother is... bad!
- Tom and AJ in Keith the delivery guy
There’s only three things in life that are certain. Death, taxes, and your windows get dirty.
- Luke in The Windowcleaner's Revenge
I was told at school to stand up to my bullies. So, that's what I'm gonna do.
What can you do against Godzilla?
- Sam and Tom in FREEZE TAG
You've got the makings of a real milkman in you.
Oh, I could never. That's a family trade.
- Sam and Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
I was actually an undercover restaurant reviewer, but I found myself being seduced by the waiter. He'd not bought me any food yet, but I could see his throbbing baguette.
Mister, did you just say you're an undercover reviewer? I heard all of that...
- Sam and Tom in Waiter and customer | Watch now
[Sam] Wanna come and have a ride on the float?
[Luke] Can I jingle the bell?
[Sam] You know you can. It goes real slow... that float.
[Luke] I like it slow.
[Sam] Oh, I know you do. It's really good at getting in all the... tight nooks and crannies in this village. It's got quite a small width but... surprising length.
- Sam and Luke in The Milkman | Watch now
See... now... Last time I saw you, you had two hands total. This time I see you've got a third.
- Tom in Therapist and patient
Remember, you wouldn't steal a bike. You wouldn't pirate a VHS. So don't kill someone over some beetroots!
- Tom in Beetroots & Murder | Watch now
[Tom] I found a condom.
[Sam] Oh! That's a big word for a boy your age.
[Tom] I know, it's got two syllablebles!
- Tom and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
We can do this together. We can make Gotham-slash-Glasgow a safe place once again.
- AJ in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
[Sam] Jersey Gold. White oil. Creamy gold.
[Tom] I think this is starting to get problematic.
[Sam] Peter, perhaps you would do better with some one-on-one tutelage. Maybe you and your milk could come visit me?
- Sam and Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
My mother was- was shot in a pistol fight- wait, no, that- that does make sense! Was shot in a knife fight years ago! I'm sorry, the heat-
- Tom in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
All right, Tony. Show me. What do you got?
Why! You've been reading the Kama Sutra.
- Sam in FREEZE TAG | Watch now
(flatly) Wow, that's impressive and interesting.
- Tom in Step siblings | Watch now
I forgot to say, I’m allergic to teeth.
Was that tea or teeth? Cause if the latter we've got a problem.
Teeth! It was teeth, yeah.
Teeth? You’re allergic to tee- Fuck me! Axe it is!
- Luke and Tom in Dentist and patient | Watch now
You... You! -soiled me... [brief pause] ...by which I mean you put me in the soil.
- Tom in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
- Oh, darling. You've been down in the basement-
- THE CHINCHILLA'S A FUCKING NAZI! I'M NOT GOING CRAZY!
- Darli-
- HE VERY VERY NEARLY JUST GAVE ME THE HITLER SPEECH! WE WERE THIS CLOSE! AND I ABANDONED THE SCENE! I GOT OUTTA THERE! BECAUSE I HAD TO! I HAD TO!
(doorbell)
- Darling- Uh- Darling?
- DON'T ANSWER IT.
- Why?
- It could be another fucking chinchilla.
- Sam and AJ in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
This is a beautiful being that is showering me with stardust and dreams.
- Tom and AJ in Letter of complaint about children with no manners | Watch now
I'm just distracted by the fact you put that straight in the fire.
- Tom in Murders in Space | Watch now
- That's no rabbit.
- Are you sure?
- This is a Siberian boar. The famous one-legged Siberian boar.
- Luke and Sam in That's no rabbit | Watch now
[Sam] Do you know the secret of buttercups?
[AJ] No! Could you tell me?
[Sam] If you put one under a chin and you see yellow that means I like butter.
[AJ] That means YOU like butter. So if I put it under my chin-
[Sam] No, MY chin and you see yellow reflected there-
[AJ] So I can find out if other people like butter if I put it under MY chin.
[Sam] No no, you put it under your chin, look in the mirror and you see yellow on your chin there that means YOU like butter.
[AJ] But what if I put it under YOUR chin?
[Sam] If you see yellow that means I like butter.
[AJ] Whoa. It's Magic!
- Sam and AJ in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Why did you bring us to the cliff where she jumped? I mean fell.
- Sam in The Cardboard Stegosaurus | Watch now
[Tom] Me llamo Jamón.
[Sam] You’re a- you’re a Ham!
[AJ] No, My name’s Ham. I’m Miss Ham.
[Sam] You’re Miss Ham?
[AJ] Yes. It’s not that complicated
[Tom] Jamón. Jamón. Jamón y Ham. Como te llamas?
[Sam] What?
[Tom] ¿Como te llamas?
[Sam] I’m not even catholic. What are you talking about?
- Tom, AJ and Sam in Everyone ham | Watch now
You hear the word feminism?
- Luke in The hunting trip | Watch now
The panda landed in mid- med- in the very- very small- I don't know how curling works.
- Sam in Panda curling
- Have you ever felt like you just don’t belong?
- Oh, not me! I’m the life and soul of the party.
- AJ and Sam in The Unrelenting Aubergine | Watch now
We knew- I knew Obama. Now he’s dead. He has two sides now. Like a square. Do you want to be a square? If you’re not cool, you’re a square.
- Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
Tarquin Rockhard. That's what I called him.
That sounds very similar to a name I would have a problem with.
- Sam and Tom in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
When you lose the only one you've ever loved, what is left but an empty space where a ghost might sit?
- Tom in The haunting of my heart
Jack, how long have you been cleaning our windows?
Since I was nine.
Since you were nine years old-? That changes our dynamic intensely.
- Tom and AJ in The Windowcleaner's Revenge
- Make sure you know what you're doing.
- I will. Old Lady Margaery... (running away!)
- Sam and AJ in The Unrelenting Aubergine | Watch now
[Tom] A girl like me doesn't climb the ranks through kindness and petticoats! It's either violence or selling your body.
[Sam] Darling, I promise you it won't come to that. No more violence.
- Tom and Sam in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Well then I guess I win, don't I? I win! I've got everything I ever wanted, I'm a winner!
You don't have any parents.
Oh, no! Oh, no, my- my greatest fear! A sick burn!
- Tom and Sam in Beetroots & Murder | Watch now
- That's the thing, see, when you walked out of my life, you took my heart with you. Started down those mean streets, where the rain falls like tears, on desolate plain, desolate plain, that's what you got on, you got on that plane, you flew a long long way away, and I wish you'd stayed there, so I never had to look in your eyes again, and see all the pain, all the possibilities.
- Listen, dollface, you knew this wasn't gonna work out the day you met me. I'm a loose canon, I'm a live wire, I'm a man with nothing to loose and everything to hide.
- Tom and Sam in Two exes
When all is said and done, everyone is poor underneath. Deep underneath.
So underneath that you can't really see their hearts. That's how poor we are.
But if we rejuvenate ourselves and give the power to the economy we will be HEART FULL and BODY CENTRIC!
Vote labor!
- AJ and Tom in Letter of complaint about the economy
- He’s our future boy. Maybe he can join the gang, for the you know, uh- a little station wagon robbery we got planned next week.
- Mmmmm. The story of a dildoe.
- How did you know how a dildo was involved in our station wagon robbery?
- Uhh, unwritten rules.
- Sam and AJ in Poker game | Watch now
Alright, fine, just.. make it weird.
- Sam in Step siblings | Watch now
[Tom] We can cuddle, and we can have tea.
[Sam] We can cuddle, and we can have sex.
[Tom] I'm not going to offer that, Lilandra.
[Sam] I am offering that right now.
[AJ choosing Sam]
[Sam] Good.
- Tom and Sam in Did you just crawl out of that well? | Watch now
I wrote a love letter to flowers.
Oh did you now? Do you want to read that out one word at a time?
No no no it would bore you darling.
- Sam and Tom in Keith the delivery guy
Oh, your father's quite exploded all over my face. And not in the good way!
- Sam in Keith the delivery guy
- Scottish people age f-
- Careful!
- They age faster 'cause they work harder!
- Okay, fair.
- Tom and Sam in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
-That's why you're so good at beating up those bullies at school, 'cause your mom's Batman and has been training you!?
-I told you it was dance training, I told you it was good for your lungs. But really it was hand to hand combat. Try a plie. (super fast fighting moves!) That's not a standard plie, you see?
- Sam and Tom in The Brooklyn bloodbath
-I was watching it and it was-
-What was it called?
-It was called... Oo's Yer Dad? It was incredible! It was talking about all these people...
-Mum, your hip.
-Sorry. ...going back. And they go up to them, and they go "Oo's yer dad?" And they go "Oh, it's this guy over here". And they go to the next per- they go them and they go "Oo's yer dad?"
- AJ and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
[Luke] However, it only takes one of you to make that sound convincingly, the other could have been in the garden, ramming the pitchfork into the- unmentionable area.
[Sam] Well, someone was doing something similar to that.
- Luke and Sam in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
What do I enjoy more than collecting rocks? Literally anything. Please just kill me.
- Tom in The hunting trip | Watch now
- Aaah, leaving, are we?
- Oh, hello Old Lady Margaery.
- Come here. Come here!
- Sam and AJ in The Unrelenting Aubergine | Watch now
- NO ONE CAN STOP ZE NAZI CHINCHILLAS!!!
- Come out and fight me.
- Gary? Gary? Ar you all right? Are you okay?
- (whispering) One of them is loose. One of them is loose!
- No. You're having one of your moments again, Gary. It's okay. You're safe now.
- I'm safe now.
- You're at home. You're- [breaks neck]
- AHH! AHHH! Angelina! Angelina!
- Sam, Tom and AJ in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
Franklin, you told me you were behind all this. I mean you’d gone through it. It was behind you.
- Luke in The casino | Watch now
[Tom] Just like that shirt is hurting my sense of style.
[AJ] Lafayette!
[Tom] How- How did you know when I switched accents?
- Tom and AJ in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
- I have faith he will return.
- Do you?
- Yes I do, sister.
- Where does your optimism come from?
- Well, he promised me he would.
(awkward moment)
- Okay, so anyway!
- Luke, Sam and AJ in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
No! That boy needs to grow up in a stable home.
Milk is stable.
It perishes! Quite quickly! Especially if you leave it out in the open.
We could get some of that extra long-life stuff. Condensed milk. That is not what you sell, and you know it!
- Luke and Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
I hate Charlie. He makes us work overtime. He's like, "No singing on the factory floor! It's not professional!" He's an Oompa Loompa doopadee-dick.
- Sam in We will rise again
Please take this moment and realise that you are an insignificant part of the ecosystem.
- Luke and AJ in Letter of complaint about delivery | Watch now
[Sam] Lord, into the crocodile pit another one goes.
[Luke] A most just punishment for such a heinous crime.
[Sam] What did this one do my Lord?
[Luke] She laughed at me.
[Sam] ...? Okay.
[Luke] What do you mean, "okay"?
[Sam] Just I heard what you said. Affirmative.
[Luke] I saw you raise your eyebrows. [Sam starts laughing] What are you doing laughing at me?!?
[Sam] I wasn't laughing at you at all, I'm sorry!
[Luke] Send him down!
[Sam] No, don't send me down! Don't send me down!! Don't send me d... AAAAAA...
- Sam and Luke in Send her down | Watch now
We've actually talked about not aggressively sliding pints to the customers.
- Luke in The Milkman | Watch now
[Sam] Yes, I am a reviewer. I've got something dramatic to tell you. I'm giving this place five stars-
[Tom] I have cancer.
- Sam and Tom in Waiter and customer | Watch now
Wesley, I don’t want you to panic, but there’s a mockingbird in the room right now.
ThErE’s A mOcKiNgBiRd In ThE rOoM rIgHt NoW.
What’s it saying to you?
It’s saying what I say back to me in a sarcastic tone.
That’s the mocking bit, yeah.
- Luke and Tom in I Killed the Mockingbird
Sheep's been talking, that's... that's a bit of a red flag.
- Sam in Did you just crawl out of that well? | Watch now
[AJ] I’m having a terrible day. This better be good news, Johnson.
[Luke] It’s not good news.
[AJ] Ah, fuck! Alright then! Great!
- AJ and Luke in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
The tulips grow from the soil; full of color, full of smell, full of shit. Fertilizer I provide.
- Sam and Luke in Letter of love about flowers
- Can I just ask, what- why is it that you're here?
- Why am I here?
- I don't mean to be unfriendly or anything.
- Oh, I'm looking for the antichrist.
- One moment.
- Tom and Sam in Did you just crawl out of that well? | Watch now
I don’t like- the language that you used there. What if my son was out of my ~way~? I mean, your way. I don’t like your syntax.
- AJ in I Killed the Mockingbird
- Look, I think I'm just gonna have to go out with her sister. It's the only logical thing to do.
- Freeze, to the start of that chain of logic.
- Luke and Tom in Stag do
- What don't you understand about this, okay?
- Several things.
- Alright. Honey makes superweapon, alright?
- Now that's th- there's a gap in your logic there.
- AJ and Tom in What do you mean we've run out of bees?
- Oh, Bessy. t's so sad to watch you go. But if I'll cry any tears, I shall wipe them away. For I am a British gentleman with a stiff upper lip.
[Sam cocks shotgun]
- Careful of my cock now, Arthur.
[Sam fires]
- You shot her in the face!
- Yes, I did. Sorry about that.
- She's still standing somehow.
- Luke and Sam in Bessy gets put down | Watch now
Again to- as I’ve said before, you’ve got a very see-through home. And I wanted to talk about your lovemaking again. If you could just turn the lights off, it would really help the neighbourhood.
- Tom in The Windowcleaner's Revenge
- I'm young, I'm vibrant!
- Get out that sock jello. I'm ready for it!
- AJ in I got a wet sock
[Tom] I was just dropping a rose. On- euh- a grave?
[Sam] What- why would you do that? Whose grave is that?
[Tom] Oh, I have arthritis, and it was hard to hold on to the rose.
[Sam] Let's see whose grave this is-
[Tom] No, don't-
[Sam] Barry from work?!
[Tom] Oh, this is Barry from work's grave, oh what a conundrum.
[Sam] Why have you given roses to Barry from work, you said I had nothing to worry about!
[Tom] Well, you don't now. [pointing at the grave]
[Sam] You slut!
- Tom and Sam in The witch slut | Watch now
[Tom] I want to hear those ivories tinkling is that understood, young lady?
[AJ] The what?
[Tom] Ivories. Tinkling.
[AJ] What does that mean?
[Tom] Well. When you get an elephant and when you kill it really good you can take its tusks and you grind them, shape them down and then that makes a lovely musical instrument we call a piano.
[AJ] If you put the tusks underneath a chin does it tell you if you like butter?
[Tom] Aww... No.
- Tom and AJ in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
(Luke as a german soldier) What happen there, you had the prisoner in front of you?
(Luke as Keith pretending to be a german soldier) Yeah yeah, I did I sent him back there with a message...
(AJ as himself) We're here if you want?
(Tom as himself) No, we shouldn't interrupt the conversation. You two work it out.
(Sam as himself) Please, the stage is yours. We'll just wait.
(Luke continues the scene; Sam, AJ and Tom play pretend ping pong)
- Sam, Tom, Luke and AJ in Keith the delivery guy
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
But neither should people in stone houses accept bank loans
If you want to clean the windows to see what’s on the other side
Know that then you’ll have no safe place to hide
(How many lines are left?)
Whatever you do, my son you’ll be
Remember, wash, learn, whatever, just be free
Signed, The Most Handsome Window Washer
- Tom in The Windowcleaner's Revenge
Mum, I think you should stop being so difficult for no reason.
- Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
They say I've got to play PS5 and I don't want to. No kid will choose the PS5 over the fun and rambunctiousness of running around the village.
- Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
OO'S YER DAD?
- Sam in The Milkman | Watch now
[Sam] I’ll keep the farm waitin’ for you. Keep the stove warm. Keep the dogs fed.
[Luke] Keep the chickens layin’.
[Sam] All the eggs. All those sexy eggs.
- Sam and Luke in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
- Listen, you shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be here, neither of us should- You see, "the destination of..." You meant definition, you idiot. "The destination of insanity is doing the same thing over and over."
- Tom in Titanic
Miffles has seen too much. Most animals, it's- it's physical hardship that gets them in the end. But Miffles, if you look in his eyes, he's seen men die.
- Tom in Two vets
They plotted together to kill your mum and they got me to do it 'cause of my assassination history and I buried her under the buttercups. But luckily I'm also a wizard.
- Sam in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
[Tom] I, at this point, would like you to critique your own work, Donald. Quickly now, I believe it’s having an aneurysm-ah.
[zombies-like noises]
[Luke] Eh… the colour scheme is wonderful. Eh, I’ve matched the red to the blacks very well. - Eh, the sti- stit- - I- stitching is a little bit off.
[bone cracking, screaming in pain]
[Tom] I feel you’re burying the lede, Donald.
- Tom, Luke and Sam in The boss and the intern | Watch now
[Sam] Something wrong with your tongue?
[Tom] Well, yeah. But that's separate. It's a medical issue.
- Sam and Tom in Popcorn | Watch now
All's good and chinchillary grand!
- Tom in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
I'm part of the Yorkshire Reserves. The most deadly fighting force in the British Isles. Everyone thinks we're all nice and friendly so they don't see it come when you say 'would you like a nice cup of tea'? And then you stab 'em.
- Sam in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
Ever since my father was killed by a rampant nun, I have fought to keep all nuns in prison. I will accept no nuns. There will be none nuns left.
- Tom in The nun has escaped again | Watch now
- And initially we had several bees. And now we, erm-
- Sorry, we had several thousand bees, can't just keep several bees, hahahaha! Someone's not a fucking beekeeper.
- Tom and Luke in What do you mean we've run out of bees?
[AJ] Ah, fuck! An elevator. Ah, I'll have to g- I'll wait.
[Tom] Sh–should we go back?
[Luke] No, no, no, he's going to be okay, he's fucking dead weight, that cunt.
- AJ, Tom and Luke in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
[Tom] WELL, STRIKE, DAMN YOU! STRIKE!
[Sam] You want to go bowling?
[Tom] Yeah, that’s sounds nice.
- Tom and Sam in The nun has escaped again | Watch now
That's not the right place to take my toe!
- AJ in AJ getting his chest waxed | Watch now
I'm saying there's more to life than beetroots. The prison warden was right. I'm not gonna become a murderer over a... shit vegetable.
- Sam in Beetroots & Murder | Watch now
Sorry, I seem to have a frog in my throat. I'm sure it will go away soon.
- Tom in Prom
Look at me! I used to be of normal height. I used to be in correct proportion. I've been WARPED and WHIPPED and WHOOPED by the sun... until I'm barely a man at all. Look at you! You've changed as well.
That's right. I used to have long flowing locks... No, no. I know you were thinking. You looked DIRECTLY at my head.
- Tom and AJ in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
[Tom] Permission to initiate cubing of Earth. Cubing of Earth. Cubing of Earth.
[Sam] I heard you the first time!
[Tom] Cubing means doing things three times. Maths joke.
- Tom and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
You were the kind of man who leaves his wife at the altar.
- Luke in Old people's home | Watch now
Falling in love with you was the best thing I ever did. This is a close second.
- Sam in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
I love you. I’d hide you in the basement. I’d put you in the attic. Anything to keep your body safe.
- Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[Luke] No day but today!
[Sam] Alright, boys. You in?
[AJ] Robbery!!
[Sam] That’s right! You ready with the horses?
[Tom] Unerringly electoral gravity.
[Sam] I love you guys, we’re gonna go and rob us some stagecoaches. Hoo-yah!
[Luke] I’m the queen of the castle!
- Sam, Tom, Luke and AJ in Poker game | Watch now
Doesn’t matter, we’ve done nothing apart from what I just did there, which I will pay for in due time.
- Tom in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
- OH, FRANKLIN! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE FUCKING DOING?
- What? I was- I was fuckin’ ya.
- No, you weren’t. You're barely even erect.
- Luke and AJ in The casino | Watch now
So if you’d like to get started whilst I just sleep amongst a thousand nightmares
- Tom in Dentist and patient | Watch now
- Mademoiselle? Sorry. I'm uh- I'm nervous. It's- It's happened again. It's on the loose. We don't know where it is.
- I'll get my tools.
- AJ and Tom in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
Bring what up, Lucas? Do you have an idea? Something that might tell us who wrecked the ships in the first place? And who was behind the hidden little portrait of the badger? And whose blood that was on the old thruppenny bit? And of course: Why I said passAgeway.
- Tom in Oh dear, this might be a problem | Watch now
- Little boy says you've got some Sisyphus. Wanna explain?
- Sisyphus? You're talking about the great... Greek philosopher? Is that who it is?
- No! If you knew who it was, I might have forgiven you.
- Sam and AJ in Grain mill
[AJ] When I went over to that buttercup... nest.
[Sam] That is the correct terminology, yes.
- AJ and Sam in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
[Sam] That’s the first thing you have to do at the Glasgow detective school. We hide someone’s mum, and you have to find them.
[Luke] That’s right.
[Sam] And if you don’t find them, you don’t get to be a detective.
- Sam and Luke in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
[AJ] Batman!
[Luke] He- comin’ in, laughin’ at us, and flappin’ his flabby little wings.
[AJ] Robin! I- fucking hate that guy. I really don’t want him to come back.
[Luke] I have a feeling he will!
[AJ] Ahh! Such an annoying character straight out the gate, really! So whiny!
- AJ and Luke in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
[Sam] Yes that's right, I've come to review your restaurant! Now which health code violations have I already seen? Shit in the toilet? Shit on the cutlery? Shit on the door? Or the whole place just appear shit?
[Tom] Eeeh well I'm shitting right now so I'm...
- Sam and Tom in Waiter and customer | Watch now
Darling, when we first got married you loved the garden, we used to go through strolls...
We did used to go through strolls, but- I can't go through any more of them!
You didn't let me finish my sentence.
Oh, please, grammatically continue.
We used to go through strolls through the orchard.
I'm pretty sure- what- is that not correct?
Sorry, I'm- I'm just-
Can you, like- no! No, no, 'cause you got two English degrees
I'm sorry-
Is that grammatically incorrect?? We went- we used to go through strolls through the orchard?!
N- It is both incorrect and I'm busy on my stagecraft right now.
- Sam and Tom in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
- Can I ask you a question?
- Yes, of course.
- When you said you promised Sally you'd be back. What- What did that mean?
(paus while Luke realises he's in trouble)
- Well, I just... I just promised I would... I would be back.
- Why did you promise HER that though?
- Oh I promised you as well, can we focus on that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah..., yeah...
- Well you see she was awfully upset. She was very very very very upset. She was... she was crying in my arms and-
- What?!?
- Sam and Luke in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
You're not taking it seriously. A fish is like a family. Look at this salmon.
Change!
Look at this trout.
Change!
Look at this cod.
Change!
Look at this place.
Change!
Look at this soul.
Change!
Look at this quipper.
Change!
Look at this swordfish.
Change!
Look at this clownfish.
Change!
Look at this shark.
Change!
Look at this octopus.
Change!
Look at this squid.
Change!
Look at this dolphin.
Change!
Look at this whale.
Change!
Look at this quipper.
Change!
Look at this jellyfish.
Change!
Look at me! Clearly I know a lot of fish! I didn't even know I knew that many!!
I'm genuinely surprised you didn't say cod.
- Sam, AJ and Luke in Fish market
Do you remember the first lyrics?
Yes I do. We'd be rappin, flip flappin. All these guys we' be trappin.
Change!
Oh I'm needing a little nappin.
Change!
Oh you, me, big boys party! Everyone out here kinda arty. Uh oh I'm old and farty. Oh no, now it's a sharty.
- AJ and Tom in Care home
[AJ] I know, but you have know about these gremlins, okay? They're very sexually active.
[Sam] That's how all those chickens died.
- AJ and Sam in Don't Leave the Gremlins Alone! | Watch now
[Sam] Bobby, is that you?
[AJ in Romanian accent] Yes, it is me.
[Sam] You don’t sound like Bobby. You sound different. You don’t sound like you’re the quarterback of the Philadelphia… Flavours!
- Sam and AJ in Ohhhhh | Watch now
- Maybe this will work. Tss! Uh- Uhr-rh! (running away)
- What the fuck did he just use to open the door!?
- AJ and Sam in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
Oh no, Johnson, I’m stuck! I just got stuck in a bit of mud! I’ll be there- I’ll try and get there in a bit. Otherwise there’ll be too many people in a room.
- AJ in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
Are you immitating my accent? That is, they say, the greatest form of flattery.
I love you
I can't believe you recorded yourself doing a British accent an octave lower
- Tom and Luke in Build-a-bear
[Sam] Don’t tell me about bein’ in the war. MY LEGS ARE MADE OF WOOD!
[Luke] Well, you know just as well as I do a part of you always stays on that battlefield.
[Sam] Yeah, MY FUCKIN’ LEGS!
- Sam and Luke in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
I had three bites. The rest can be yours if you want it. If you want to go back to your previous relationship, then you can go. I'm going to go into the trees.
- AJ in Why did you eat that? | Watch now
[Singing]
[Tom] I can show you the [something]. Some of them mean to travel. Creamy omelets that's on the wrong menu but never mind.
[Sam] I'm gluten freee! Can have no bread in my system. So if you've got something that won't make me blow I will really like to try it. Gluten free!
[Tom] Gluten free...
- Tom and Sam in Waiter and customer | Watch now
Oh my God! The only person who wasn’t infected is dead!
- Tom in Crocodile pond
It’s not a shame to cry as long as you have your Invisalign in
- Luke in Dentist and patient | Watch now
[AJ] [Aeerrrr! Aeerrrr! Aeerrrr!] Breachment in container four. The nun is in container four.
[Tom] There’s been a breachment. For anyone that mostly speaks Spanish, that’s not a word.
- AJ and Tom in The nun has escaped again | Watch now
- So now that I'm here, what do I do Professor? Tell me in detail.
- Cure cancer now!
- Guest in Science
[AJ] Are you inferring that-.. Jean Franco? Are you inferring...
[Tom] I'm implying.
[AJ] Oh, you're imp-..
[Tom] You are inferring, I am implying. It's okay, I studied the language; You just grew up with it.
- AJ and Tom in Garden | Watch now
- Can you take over the grain mill?
- Alright. But I'm only seven!
- Child labour laws won't be invented for another hundred years.
- Sam and Luke in Grain mill
When the moment arrives, that's when you got to be a hero.
This is that moment. As long as we get that ammo, otherwise we're fucked.
Otherwise this is just kind of pointless, you know? We've just been sort of sent over here by the ruling classes to fight in their name and to be honest really it wasn't worth it for us. But you know, that's the nature of war, innit?
- Tom and Sam in Keith the delivery guy
What does any self-respecting rich man do when he has a little boy in tights?
- Tom in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
FREEZE! I said Shakespeare, not River Dance.
- Luke in Waiter and customer | Watch now
[Tom] We will make a gift to you of the life-jelly. One life-jelly for peace.
[Sam] Can I choose whose life-jelly?
[Tom] Wha- Well- I- Is he important?
- Tom and Sam in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
I have an allergy. Hay...
You! Listen to me. I have hay fever.
- Sam and Luke in Letter of love about flowers
- The good old paella with the squid. Just how we like it! Squiiiiiiiid! BIG squid!
- Okay, dad.
- Large! Larger than a man. Smaller than a dream.
- Okay, dad. All right, well you have a lovely evening.
- I'm glad to hear I sound normal to ya.
- Tom and AJ in The Excited Chinchilla | Watch now
Well, I always say, you know, when God closes a smile he opens a question.
- Sam in The haunting of my heart
I can't let you do that Michael! (Tom)
I will come back! Let me just try. If there is any way that I can break through the poop loop... (AJ)
No no no, we're better than that! (Tom breaking character)
Time is constipated! (Sam)
No. No! No! NO! No. Noo. Noo. Noo. Noooo. (Tom)
(sad Sam)
- Tom, AJ and Sam in The pilot's final flight
[Sam] Initiate human forms!
[Tom] I overdid it.
- Sam and Tom in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
[Sam] Look. The sun's rising.
[Luke] And it’s so round.
[Sam] Just like every good thing on Earth: Earth. The moon.
[Luke] Your hairy balls.
[Sam] Your delicious eggs.
[Luke] Yeah, that's right.
[Sam] And my wedding ring.
[Luke] I love you, Bu-
- Sam and Luke in Inside the Mysterious Cube | Watch now
- Quick, let's get him over to the medical... arena!
- "Medical Arena" - where I have to fight the other patients...?
- AJ and Tom in The Leftenmost Window | Watch now
[Luke] Bobby? That was your code name?
[AJ] Yeah.
[Luke] Bobby? Your own name backwards? It’s not even a fucking anagram!
[AJ] I get confused with the language, I-
[Luke] You are such a lazy man!
- Luke and AJ in Ohhhhh | Watch now
How dare you! You can accuse us of murder, Sir- But you cannot accuse us of subpar shrubbery.
- Tom in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
(singing) Oh, three men on a ship! We used to be fifty-four! Three man on a...
That's a great song.
I told you to tie Rogers down, he's gone mad with the heat!
- Luke, AJ and Tom in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
Let's not be too judgy, but you did say you've met someone. And I don't know if this qualifies as meeting someone. For example, if you say I found a sandwich, but you have instead constructed a sandwich. Different situations.
- Tom in He is essentially real | Watch now
I'm halfway upstairs, accounting for my newfound height.
- Tom in The Milkman | Watch now
Are you fucking?
Dad!?!
Tell me, are you fucking?!?
Dad of course I'm fucking him, I'm half demon! What do you mean "am I...", do you think I am like a Virgin Mary or some shit?
- Luke and AJ in Devil and daughter | Watch now
It turns out we've all got the same dad.
- AJ in The Milkman | Watch now
I'm here with a few reasons, okay? I've got a bad toe, I have an imaginary friend, and I have all these things. I need a psychiatrist, I need heell... I need it done all the way! Not just half the way when you do it, all the fucking way!
- AJ in AJ getting his chest waxed | Watch now
My body is a temple to destruction. AN ENGINE OF WAR
(I'm not done.)
A pyramid housing the hatred of thousands.
A stadium with a ROAR OF RAGE becomes the bitter juice of desolation.
Make a cuckholdress of me.
Engorge him and have him enter- no, wait.
Engorge her! And have yourself enter her tonight.
I feel a bit faint.
- Tom in The Neighbour Under The Bed | Watch now
You've built a little man to have sex with and you've given him your own name!
- Sam in He is essentially real | Watch now
I'm trying to tell you, it's more than just that! We have a connection.
- AJ in He is essentially real | Watch now
[AJ] At the moment I became king of this police station, I really wanted to bring order and peace back to the streets of Goth-eh, ah- Gotham?
[Batman arrives]
[AJ] No! Fuck off, Batman! Go away!
[Sam] Don’t tell Scottish Batman to fuck off! I am the night. I am vengeance incarnate.
[AJ] I haven’t turned on the bat sign yet, I’ll do it later tonight.
[Sam] Alright! Okay, well.
- AJ and Sam in The Midnight Mystery | Watch now
Okay, so what you need to do, is you need to have a system first. You need to have a system. One system preferably. Not two. Just one. Two? No two. Two? Just one. Or two? No.
- AJ in Playing with your balls in the air | Watch now
[Luke] You know I don't like it when you get philosophical on me. You're here to teach me how to fit windows. Not how to fit the window in my mind.
[Tom] I'm trying to ask you what is a window except a mirror that cannot show you yourself.
[impressed audience] Oooooh!
[Luke] I almost understood that!
- Luke in Two window fitters | Watch now
They belong in Addis Ababa.
They don't belong- Babapapa-
- Sam and Luke in Lost In Your Eyes | Watch now
May I also come into the room?
I'm afraid no women are allowed at the RAF.
(audience boos at Sam)
Not here in 1949. Fuck you.
(Sam makes rude gesture at the audience)
- Tom and Sam in The pilot's final flight
And that's one more rose for you
- Tom in The witch slut | Watch now
[Sam] What- what's wrong? Why is the butler laughing?! What are you laughing at?!
[Tom] Why are you laughing?
[Luke] I- I'm sorry-
[Tom] You're laughing at our hard time- we're still paying you, aren't we?
[Sam] Yeah, I'm still keeping you in-
[Tom] We don't need you, what are you even butling?
[Sam] What is a butler?
[Tom] It's a family of three-
[Sam] FUCK OFF! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HOUSE!
[Tom] Get the fuck out! You're ancillary!
- Sam, Tom and Luke in Priscilla's Final Petal | Watch now
[Sam] I have SEEN the videotape of me escaping from your womb!
[Tom] ALRIGHT! I did give birth to you! And then I legally released you into the wild!
- Sam and Tom in Don't you dare | Watch now
Oh my god, is your mother here? She's ruining the mood!
Ding dong!
- Sam in The haunting of my heart