The Phantom Of Hornchurch
Released on YouTube 2024-10-06
Quotes
[Luke] I didn't know Christians believed in reincarnation, Father Andrews.
[AJ] Ohhhhh, they do in Hornchurch.
- Luke and AJ | Watch now
That's sort of it really. Isn't it? Isn't it just, you go to heaven or you go to hell? Like you have a soul that sorta lasts forever, and it's like, it's sorta swimming around, and then you're born. It's like Aaaaaaa! And then you live your life and then you die, and then that's heaven or hell. Forever.
- Luke | Watch now
[Luke] Well, how do I tell real people apart from phantoms?
[AJ] Well, that's the question. How do you?
[Luke] Well, I don't know. That's why I asked you.
[AJ] Very good.
[Luke] Do we have to have this conversation in the middle of the graveyard?
- Luke and AJ | Watch now
[Luke] Where did you park?
[Tom] Over there!
[Luke] Where? Oh! Sorry!
[Tom] He's a fragile boy with a fragile mind. I'd rather not have it preyed upon by-
[AJ] He nearly fell over there.
[Tom] Yes. His body is not strong, either. He's weak in several ways
[Luke] No, I genuinely still can't find it.
[Tom] Julian, just keep walking around and take the keys, Julian.
[Luke] What?
[Tom] You missed them, Julian.
[Luke] Oh!
[Tom] His eyesight's not very good, either.
- Luke, Tom and AJ | Watch now
[Tom] No, in the car. Not in the river, Julian.
[Luke] Oh! Sorry!
[Tom] Get in the car.
- Tom and Luke | Watch now
But now I am back. Back in Hornchurch where the original Christianity started. The place for hell to rise. [Evil chuckle] Ah ah! Ah ah ah! Why are you vibrating?
- Sam | Watch now
I have turned him into a statue. A very ugly statue.
- Sam | Watch now
[Tom] Are you putting off your chores until you've been reincarnated?
[Luke] Yes!
[Tom] Julian.
[Luke] What?
[Tom] There's no such thing, is there?
[Luke] As chores? Yes, there are.
[Tom] Julian, you're being difficult on purpose now.
- Tom and Luke | Watch now
[Sam] Who put a wooden knife in the dishwasher?
[Luke] I don't know.
[Tom] I mean, I think it was probably you, wasn't it, darling?
- Sam, Luke and Tom | Watch now
[Tom] This is a normal investigation, and I will carry on from behind the scenes, and I will remove myself from the present situation. If you think there's more to this, well, that's between you and the good book, isn't it?
[AJ] Yes, it is.
[Tom] Okay. Now if you could remove your hands from my nipples, I know they're surprisingly low, but they are where God put them.
- Tom and AJ | Watch now
[Tom] What kind of warning did you have in mind?
[AJ] Like a- Like a TV show or-
[Tom] You want us to commission and write a TV show? But we can- Have you been thinking like a twelve-episode initial series? Or just the pilot?
- Tom and AJ | Watch now
[Luke] Detective. We found another body in Subway. I think we should-
[Sam] One whole foot long. Amazing!
[Tom] Wait. Did you find it in Subway or in the Hornchurch subway
- Luke, Sam and Tom | Watch now
So you have returned. Phantom Begruvia. My ancient nemesis. Mortal nemesis. He's the big bad guy.
- AJ | Watch now
[Tom] Did I mention I was raised a nunnery, you little bitch!?
[Sam] I didn't think that plot point would come baaaaack.
- Tom and Sam | Watch now
Cast
AJ as Father Andrews (good, reincarnated)
Tom as mother (strong woman from Hornchurch)
Sam as Phantom Begruvia (evil, reincarnated)
AJ as janitor (also a vibrating statue)
Sam as father (very busy with stagecraft during important dialogues)
Tom as Peter (works at Gregg's, not called Malcolm, dies)
Luke as baker (at Gregg's stake bake)
Tom as detective 1
Luke as detective 2
Keywords
1754, Saint Bragness' Nunnery, Sainsbury's, death (Tom), Lucozade, stagecraft, cartoon, Danny Phantom, reincarnation