The Midnight Mystery

[Luke] I have gathered you here in the drawing room because something very, very disturbing has happened.
[Sam] What are you talking about?
[Tom] I think the most disturbing thing happening here is that shirt, Detective.

- Luke, Sam and Tom | Watch now

[Luke] However, it only takes one of you to make that sound convincingly, the other could have been in the garden, ramming the pitchfork into the- unmentionable area.
[Sam] Well, someone was doing something similar to that.

- Luke and Sam | Watch now

How dare you! You can accuse us of murder, Sir- But you cannot accuse us of subpar shrubbery.

- Tom | Watch now

Doesn’t matter, we’ve done nothing apart from what I just did there, which I will pay for in due time.

- Tom | Watch now

[AJ] You're a terrible detective! Fuck off! Alright? You’re fired!
[Sam] I found your mum.

- AJ and Sam | Watch now

Alright, alright, we’ve all found each other’s mums!

- Luke | Watch now

[Sam] That’s the first thing you have to do at the Glasgow detective school. We hide someone’s mum, and you have to find them.
[Luke] That’s right.
[Sam] And if you don’t find them, you don’t get to be a detective.

- Sam and Luke | Watch now

[AJ] I’m having a terrible day. This better be good news, Johnson.
[Luke] It’s not good news.
[AJ] Ah, fuck! Alright then! Great!

- AJ and Luke | Watch now

[AJ] At the moment I became king of this police station, I really wanted to bring order and peace back to the streets of Goth-eh, ah- Gotham?
[Batman arrives]
[AJ] No! Fuck off, Batman! Go away!
[Sam] Don’t tell Scottish Batman to fuck off! I am the night. I am vengeance incarnate.
[AJ] I haven’t turned on the bat sign yet, I’ll do it later tonight.
[Sam] Alright! Okay, well.

- AJ and Sam | Watch now

[AJ] Batman!
[Luke] He- comin’ in, laughin’ at us, and flappin’ his flabby little wings.
[AJ] Robin! I- fucking hate that guy. I really don’t want him to come back.
[Luke] I have a feeling he will!
[AJ] Ahh! Such an annoying character straight out the gate, really! So whiny!

- AJ and Luke | Watch now

I’m fucking Batman!

- Sam | Watch now

[AJ] Did you just do the Toosie Slide?
[Luke] Aye, on the hood of the car, yeah.
[AJ] Alright.

- AJ and Luke | Watch now

[Tom] Just like that shirt is hurting my sense of style.
[AJ] Lafayette!
[Tom] How- How did you know when I switched accents?

- Tom and AJ | Watch now

What does any self-respecting rich man do when he has a little boy in tights?

- Tom | Watch now

We can do this together. We can make Gotham-slash-Glasgow a safe place once again.

- AJ | Watch now

Oh no, Johnson, I’m stuck! I just got stuck in a bit of mud! I’ll be there- I’ll try and get there in a bit. Otherwise there’ll be too many people in a room.

- AJ | Watch now

[AJ] Ah, fuck! An elevator. Ah, I'll have to g- I'll wait.
[Tom] Sh–should we go back?
[Luke] No, no, no, he's going to be okay, he's fucking dead weight, that cunt.

- AJ, Tom and Luke | Watch now

[Luke] Let him go. Or I’ll calculate your real tax return and send it to the government.
[Tom] That’s a terrible threat!
[Luke] Is it, Lord Lafayette? ‘Cause it says here that you’ve been doing tax- ev-, avoidance? Which is the bad one?
[audience] Evasion!
[Luke] Thank you!
[Tom] Shut up, henchmen!

- Luke and Tom | Watch now

murder, mystery, scottish batman, Johnny-come-lately private dick, roses, Glasgow detective school, Gotham Rose Bush competition, corpsing (Sam Luke), Scotland, Gotham, breaking (AJ), 4th wall break (Luke Tom), audience