The Milkman
Released on YouTube 2023-12-10
Quotes
[Tom] I found a condom.
[Sam] Oh! That's a big word for a boy your age.
[Tom] I know, it's got two syllablebles!
- Tom and Sam | Watch now
I'm halfway upstairs, accounting for my newfound height.
- Tom | Watch now
[AJ] Tough lady, different generation.
[Sam] That's how mothers work!
- AJ and Sam | Watch now
[Sam] Wanna come and have a ride on the float?
[Luke] Can I jingle the bell?
[Sam] You know you can. It goes real slow... that float.
[Luke] I like it slow.
[Sam] Oh, I know you do. It's really good at getting in all the... tight nooks and crannies in this village. It's got quite a small width but... surprising length.
- Sam and Luke | Watch now
No! That boy needs to grow up in a stable home.
Milk is stable.
It perishes! Quite quickly! Especially if you leave it out in the open.
We could get some of that extra long-life stuff. Condensed milk. That is not what you sell, and you know it!
- Luke and Sam | Watch now
Mum, I think you should stop being so difficult for no reason.
- Tom | Watch now
They say I've got to play PS5 and I don't want to. No kid will choose the PS5 over the fun and rambunctiousness of running around the village.
- Tom | Watch now
You've got the makings of a real milkman in you.
Oh, I could never. That's a family trade.
- Sam and Tom | Watch now
My dad is an unspecified businessman. That's what I'll do when I grow up. I'll have a briefcase and a car, and a series of conferences in various cities.
- Tom | Watch now
So you're not a- okay, we established that you're not actually blind, let's just move on.
Oh right, that's what you- okay. Yeah. I used to be blind at the beginning of the scene...
- AJ and Sam | Watch now
-I was watching it and it was-
-What was it called?
-It was called... Oo's Yer Dad? It was incredible! It was talking about all these people...
-Mum, your hip.
-Sorry. ...going back. And they go up to them, and they go "Oo's yer dad?" And they go "Oh, it's this guy over here". And they go to the next per- they go them and they go "Oo's yer dad?"
- AJ and Sam | Watch now
It turns out we've all got the same dad.
- AJ | Watch now
[AJ] I know that if you - had a son - just like me...
[Sam] Just like you?
[AJ] I have a son.
[Sam] Oh, right. Sorry. If I had a son who was just like you, I'd be deeply concerned.
- AJ and Sam | Watch now
That sounded an awful lot like a rhyme, Peter. And you know what rhymes bring?
Crime?
- Sam and Tom | Watch now
Oh, shit! She's singing. This is bad.
- AJ | Watch now
[Sam] Jersey Gold. White oil. Creamy gold.
[Tom] I think this is starting to get problematic.
[Sam] Peter, perhaps you would do better with some one-on-one tutelage. Maybe you and your milk could come visit me?
- Sam and Tom | Watch now
We've actually talked about not aggressively sliding pints to the customers.
- Luke | Watch now
[AJ] Yeah, yeah, just doing some business uh... And then I'll be going back actually tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
[Sam] Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow? So uh... Monday?
[AJ] Monday. In three days time.
- AJ and Sam | Watch now
That doesn't sound like Dad! That sounds like a milkman in a cupboard.
- Tom | Watch now
OO'S YER DAD?
- Sam | Watch now
Cast
Luke as Mrs. Jemima Steven (adultering wife)
Tom as Peter Steven (kid, prefers to play outside over PS5)
AJ as Mr. Steven (unspecified businessman from "north")
Luke as senior associate (bit of an asshole)
Sam as colleague (unspecified businessman from London)
Tom as secretary (meek)
AJ as Mrs. Jeffrey (David's mom, sometimes blind, troublesome hip)
Sam as head mistress (of the boarding school)
AJ as pupil (at the boarding school)
Luke as Toby (age 8, locked up in a very small room)
Sam as barman (at the Holiday Inn, with a Texan accent)
Luke as Gareth (manager at the Holiday Inn)
Keywords
peck (AJ and Luke), adhd, PS5, God of War, Jersey gold, north, Holiday Inn, 4th wall break (AJ, Sam), breaking (AJ), audience, corpsing (AJ, Sam), song (Tom, Sam), Penelope, Thaddeus, Betsy Sue, Amazon prime, Keith, death (AJ)
Synopsis by AI
The story begins with a milkman, David, delivering milk to Jemima, who shares a playful but tense interaction with him, revealing they’ve had a secret affair. Her son, Peter, obliviously causes chaos around the house. Peter’s father, who works as a businessman, is leaving for a conference, allowing David to continue his secret relationship with Jemima. We learn that Peter idolizes David, the milkman, even though his life trajectory seems set toward becoming a businessman like his father. David hints at a deep emotional connection to Peter and reflects on fatherhood and whether or not he'd make a good father.The story continues to unfold in a dystopian boarding school with bizarre authority figures and a Holiday Inn bar where a Texan bartender laments his failed marriage. Eventually, the conflicts escalate, leading to the climactic reveal that David is Peter's real father. The play uses milk as a recurring symbol, tying together themes of identity, family, and comic absurdity.