Moist And Magical
Released on YouTube 2024-08-04
Quotes
It's not just a vision. This is a magical cake. This is a red vision cake.
- Luke | Watch now
[Luke] My grandson is muttering. Over in the back. He's such a naughty wee boy. Grandson! Where the fuck are you? When I'm talking to my friend fucking shut up! I'm so sorry. Where were we?
[AJ] Don't worry about it. Remind me to never piss you off.
- Luke and AJ | Watch now
Scrupous is no more. Scrupous finds himself in a bottom of a dungeon and underneath a cellar. In between the basement and the floorboards. Mark me.
- Sam | Watch now
[Sam] Oh my god! You caught that flying mouse out of mid air.
[Tom] Any magical creature- Khckkk! will pay THE ULTIMATE PRIIIIIICE!
- Sam and Tom | Watch now
[Tom] It's a very light way of carrying the whole Bible around. I just take the index, and I leave the rest. I've memorised it.
[Sam] Have you? Please read it to me.
[Tom] Chapter One. God was sleepy, but he knew that a single working guy like him had to knuckle down.
[Sam] My god! Chapter and verse. That's amazing witch-finder general.
[Tom] Yes. It's the original Latin. My own translation.
- Tom and Sam | Watch now
[Tom] They are close now.
[Sam] Yes. We're in Aberdeen.
[Tom] Aberdeen is large.
[Sam] Nope! Quite a small city actually. Particularly now in 1719.
[Tom] Aberdeen is medium sized.
[Sam] Nope. Still pretty small.
- Tom and Sam | Watch now
How foolish of me. Of course. Witches, they're just hearsooth and foretell.
- Tom | Watch now
May I escort you home, madame? I wouldn't like to think of you walking abreast.
- Tom | Watch now
[Tom] You sound nervous. I can hear the sounds of your bones knocking together.
[AJ] Oh! No. That's just the loch this time of year. Uh- See- The ice starts to crack a little bit, and that sen- that sends a- ... a sound.
- Tom and AJ | Watch now
Oh! it's too small! I didn't realise my nose was that big. This is a sad moment for me.
- Tom | Watch now
[Luke] You cannae be a witch.
[Sam] Why cannae I be a witch?
[Luke] 'Cause you're a boy. You can be a warlock or a wizard.
[Sam] I want to be a boy witch. Why are you so conservative, Grandma? Gender's just a construct, ye piece of shit.
- Luke and Sam | Watch now
[Luke] What did he look like, this man?
[Sam] Oh! He looked a little bit like Henry Cavill if he had a wasting disease. Also, he had this HUGE nose. A nose so large, it couldn't all be shown in the crystal ball at the same time. I could hear it dinking on the glass. Like a pelican trying to drink water. Just tink, tink, tink.
- Luke and Sam | Watch now
[Tom] All of it. Contained in a few scant words. Perfect. [Hhhom!]
[Sam] He just ate the Bible.
[Tom] I am his light. I am his word. Now give me your nipples.
- Tom and Sam | Watch now
[Tom] I can treat you like my tiny little pet. Don't worry. No one religious has ever done anything bad to little boys.
[Sam] I've just seen the entirety of the future, and I know that's not fucking true.
- Tom and Sam | Watch now
I tried to get one of the hairs off of my head, but unfortunately I've run out.
- AJ | Watch now
The moral door has already been opened.
- Tom | Watch now
Cast
Luke as Sandra (grandmum)
Guest as grandson (who should fucking shut up)
Sam as witch-finder employer (mark him)
Tom as witch-finder general (uses clothes peg, has a bigger nose than he expected)
Sam as boy witch (grandson, earlier misbehaving)
AJ as mouse (flying)
Keywords
audience, Aberdeen, Loch Lomond, Scotland, 1719, speckled pigeon, breaking (Tom), corpsing (AJ), nipple clamps