Don't you dare

[Tom] The bed was cold when I woke up this morning. Well, my side was warm, because I'd been sleeping in it, but you, Gerard... Where were YOU?
[Luke] Playing an early round of golf.
[Tom] An early round of golf in this weather?
[opens curtains and window, storm rages]
[Tom] Why, you raise your 9 iron ONCE, and you'd be struck by lightning. And I wouldn't want you to come to any harm!
[Luke] I was about to play golf, but instead I made cheese on toast.
[Tom] Cheese on toast?!? You're famously lactose intolerant, Gerard! Look in the pantry! No cheese supplies, no cheese wrappers in the dustbin.
[Luke] Alright. I was going to make cheese on toast, but instead I walked to the local corner shop and bought a copy of The Guardian newspaper.
[Tom] The Guardian newspaper?!? But we are... PRICKS, Gerard. We read The Mail exclusively!
[Luke] Alright, Jemima. You've caught me red-handed. I was making love to my secretary!
[Tom] Your secretary, Gerard?!? Your secretary; but you've been un-employed for six years! DON'T LIE TO ME, GERARD!
[Luke] ALRIGHT! I wasn't making love to my secretary, I was looking at Facebook pictures of her in a bikini on vacation.
[Tom] Facebook, Gerard?!? But everyone knows that Instagram is now the dominant platform for creeping on bikinied women. DON'T LIE TO ME, GERARD!
[Luke] YOU WILL NEVER GET THE TRUTH FROM ME!
[Tom] I WILL HAVE THE TRUTH FROM YOU, GERARD, IF IT'S THE LAST THING THESE LUNGS DO!
[Sam] Mummy, Daddy, why are you shouting at each other?
[Tom] Mummy and Daddy?!? But I'm BARREN, LITTLE BOY!
[Sam] DON'T LIE TO ME, MOTHER! I have SEEN the videotape of me escaping from your womb!
[Tom] ALRIGHT! I did give birth to you! And then I legally released you into the wild!